i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
So squirting runs in the family.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
