Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
