Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize