i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
