someone get that fucking seahorse.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
