I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
