He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize