Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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