I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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