my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
