I feel like I'm in dance class right now
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
