I wanna passion pit in your ass
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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