I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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