Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
