you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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