Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
