mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
