i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
