actually, I'm a sock model
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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