I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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