and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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