All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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