Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
