He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
