He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
