ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
