Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
he wants to bone in the snuggie
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
