I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Randomize
