OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
