I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
