I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
