What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
