clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
