dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm gonna fight the coyote
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
