You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
