I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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