I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
