I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
