I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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