he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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