guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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