Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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