Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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