My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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