i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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