there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
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