my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
