Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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