Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
