I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
