Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
