Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize