You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
