Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
