just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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