ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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