fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
