I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize