Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
