I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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