Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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