shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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