Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize